,

Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust (Journal Time!)

I recently asked a coworker how she stayed sane while working so many hours.

“Faith, trust and pixie dust,” she replied.

I hadn’t realized that was from Peter Pan until a few nights ago when me and the fam were laying in bed watching it together.

I thought it was interesting that in order to fly, they simply had to think about something they loved or something they really wanted.

They didn’t have to think about how they’d get in the air, or even about flying at all.

By focusing on something wonderful, they allowed it to happen.

Same goes for us in real land.

Pleasant thoughts raise our vibration.

They make us feel good.

And when we feel good, we are flying.

It reminds me of the old Emerson quote,

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”

It’s true.

You won’t accomplish much if you’re not excited about the outcome.

When you are excited and hopeful, the universe will provide the pixie dust.

No questions asked.

(And I’m not talking about the drug)

 

So for today, write a list of 10 words that make you feel good.

When you’re done, read them out loud, taking note of the word that makes you feel your absolute best.

Make it your theme word for the day.

Let’s say your word is spectacular. Find ways to incorporate the word itself into your day. Jump at the opportunity to use it in sentences.

Deliberately do things that will make you feel spectacular.

Or say, “I am spectacular!  Better recognize.”

BE SPECTACULAR.

You already are.

You don’t even have to try.

 

, , ,

Messy Ass Mess

When life gets messy, clean it up.

Duh, I know.

Hear me out for a sec though.

I clean up about 54638374 messes a day because I have a toddler who loves to make messes. He doesn’t think about the fact that he’ll have to clean it up.

He just stirs shit up. 

Some days I don’t feel like cleaning. Today though, I wasn’t giving any thought to it or putting any energy into it. I just picked up the toys and I was done.

Then I had the thought, “when life gets messy, clean it up.”

So many times I’ve focused on the “here we go again” of the process of picking up the pieces.

And so many times that has been counterproductive.

Counterproductive, yes.

But, easily resolved.

Life isn’t perfect.

I’m not perfect.

That’s nothing to get mad about.

I can get mad briefly if it’ll make me feel better, but when I focus on the improvement, or the fact that I didn’t stay angry quite as long or the fact that today was just a little easier than the day prior, I’m putting a welcome mat out, inviting more things into my life that are just a little better.

You know what you have to do. Don’t let what you haven’t done stop you. The moment you realize you’re beating the shit out of yourself, stop that shit.That made me chuckle.

Be a super hero.

Come to your own damn rescue.

CLEAN UP THE SHIT AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

 

And remember:

You are still lovable when…

You stumble over your words

When you don’t know what to say

When you don’t say anything at all

When you’re frustrated

When you’re angry

When no one is looking

When everyone is looking

When you’re being judged

When you’re judging yourself

When you feel hopeless

 

You are still lovable

When you don’t see it

When you can’t feel it

When there isn’t anyone there to remind you

 

I.love.you.

feel your feelings
, ,

If It’ll Make You Feel Better…

  • Have a fit
  • Get pissed off
  • Say UGHHH
  • Shake your fists
  • Write a damn blog post about it
  • Cry about it

Get it OUT! Your feelings need to be felt, it won’t take long for them to turn into something better as long as that’s what you’d like to happen. It won’t take long for the shit to turn back into happiness if that’s what you’re aiming for.

self-harm mental health
, , , ,

A Former Cutter’s Rant

The following is a poetic retelling of my experience with cutting, panic disorder, drugs and rejection. It is my intention to give those with similar experiences a voice. To say, you’re not alone. You’re okay. This won’t last forever. You’ve got this. You’re doing just fine.

It bothered me that you didn’t ask.
I hated how you pretended you didn’t notice.
I heard what you said about me behind my back.
But I didn’t say a word.
I believed every word you said.
I didn’t look up.
I stared at the ground.
You said I was scary,
But I was just scared.
You said I was crazy,
But I wasn’t even there.
I was nowhere to be found.
I didn’t exist.
That’s why I have these scars on my wrists.
You didn’t ask,
But now I’m going to tell you.
When you can’t handle your life,
Your options are few.
When you can’t handle your life,
No one can handle you.
It’s not that I wanted to be this way.
I hate the words “are you okay?”
So riddled with expectation.
I had to say yes.
I had to pretend.
Did I pass the test?
Is this a test?
Hello, can you hear?
No my dear, you’re all alone here.
I’m just a notebook.
Remember me?
Snap out of it Carrie.
Hear my plea, hear my plea.
“Stop it.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Here we go again.”
The worst things to hear
When no one hears you.
“Hey, we’ve given up on you.”
A lost cause.
A statistic.
A textbook example.
Of a girl who’s lost her mind.
What’s the diagnosis?
Bipolar’s just fine.
Oh labels, let’s dance.
I’ll give you a chance.
Friends are my fears.
Bad habits and jokes.
Friends are manic.
Depression.
And dope.
Good day.
Let’s play.
Take a dip.
Take a spin.
Now I’m spun.
Wow, she’s even crazier than before.
She’s talking to herself.
She’s hard to ignore.
Well, not that hard.
Let’s just close the door.
Let’s leave her there.
Yawn.
What a bore.
She’s exhausting.
And she hardly says a word.
She’s stuck in her notebook.
In her own little world.
My world is the only world that is safe.
But do you think I don’t hear every word you say?
I can recite it back to you if that’s what you’d like.
I can tell you
Whatever you’d like.
I’m here to please you.
It’s what I do best.
Are you impressed?
I doubt it.
I can’t breathe.
This pressure is too much.
When, oh God when will I be enough?
I said I can’t breathe.
Can I please disappear?
Crazy crazy crazy crazy.
Fear fear fear.
The thoughts just get louder.
And louder.
And then.
I grab something
To make the pain end.
I have to feel something
Other than this.
I have to feel something.
Is this all there is?
Oh razor blade, you’ll have to do.
Alright arms and legs,
I’m going to cut you.
Relief starts to spread
As the blade touches my skin.
I have to go deeper. 
I have to win.
I didn’t want to die.
At least not all the time.
I didn’t want to die.
I just wanted to fly.
Far far away.
And never come back.
I’m back to my senses.
This blood is bright red.
I notice.
I see.
I am not in my head.
My thoughts are now focused
On this puddle of blood.
The torture has ceased.
I can hear myself breathe.
 
 
Breathe art
,

I Can Create

Awake.

Alert.

Happy.

Excited.

Ready for the rest of the day.

Ready to be me.

Ready to remember to do what it takes.

Willing to flow.

Willing to glow.

Willing to grow.

Big.

Bigger.

Biggest.

The biggest light I’ve ever seen.

Thats me.

And that’s who I’m going to be.

Not just today, but in all the days ahead.

It is written.

It is said.

Out of my head.

Yes.

Out out OUT.

Inside my heart there is no doubt.

Free.

Free.

Free to be me.

Breathe.

BREATHE.

Breathe deeply.

Loudly.

Strongly.

Deliberately.

Freedom quotes
, ,

I Define Me

 

I’ve decided to begin sharing affirmations that come to me/have been effective for me and others that I’ve worked with. So here is the first one. May it uplift you and remind you of what you already know.

It is not my job to internalize others’ pain or beliefs as my own. I define me. Letting someone tear me down so that they don’t have to feel is not helping me or the other person. I am not a punching bag. I am not perfect. I AM FREE TO FEEL.

I love you. You can do this.
, ,

If You’re Having a Panic Attack, Read This:

This is an excerpt from Journals Have Feelings Too that I wanted to share:

You are having a panic attack right now and that is okay. You have these thoughts right now and it is okay. Your only job RIGHT NOW is to be present. Whatever is going on can be resolved at a later time. You do not have to know everything or resolve every problem all at once. That is impossible. This will not last forever. See these words. There is nothing wrong with you. No one is judging you right now. You can come back. You can do this.

, ,

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

I stumbled upon this again and love it so much I decided to share it.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Iloveyou
,

5 Things to Do to Avoid a Full-Blown “OMFG Please Kill Me NOW” Panic Attack

1. Stop listening to the thoughts that are racing by. Acknowledge their presence, but don’t buy into their story.

2. Start talking out loud. Find a phrase and repeat it (there’s no place like home there’s no place like home there’s no place like home).

3. Go for a walk and/or “shake it off.” Literally pretend you are shaking it all off of your body.

4. Scream as loud as you can into a pillow, or if no one is around to call the police, don’t even worry about finding the pillow.

5. Hug yourself. Validate your feelings as you do so. For example, say: “I’m feeling frustrated! It’s frustrating when I feel like no one is listening.” Be loving and understanding toward yourself.

Iloveyou

It’s true.

there is always hope
, ,

Rejection

An old tumblr post:

As I’ve probably mentioned before, rejection is the feeling buried deepest into my cells. Thus making it the most difficult to chisel away at.

In the past it has sent me into blind frenzies which usually resulted in seeking revenge. It never reached the point of physically harming anyone, though the thoughts were always there.

I dug into my arms, my legs, my chest with whatever I could find. Be it finger nails, broken glass, safety pins or my personal favorite, ripping apart a 3 in 1 blade and going to town.

When that didn’t work, I would just scream until my throat hurt, cringe, tense up, check out.

My practice has become to stay with the feeling no matter where my mind takes me, no matter the things I’d like to say to make myself “right.”

Today when I got triggered, I chose to walk. Usually that helps me stay in my body, but this time I was unable to stop the thoughts.

Racing racing racing by.

Why do I believe them?

I get angry that the feeling is lingering longer than usual. I’m frustrated. I cry. I courageously march up the stairs, when my body wants to fall to the floor.

Is the floor always this loud?

God, not going into avoidance is quite the challenge.

I feel like a warrior, the battle against myself is only half over and it could go either way.

Quick, do something Carrie.

Move your arms, stomp your feet, just feel.

Well that took care of the judgment part of it. Turn on that song. That one you really love.

Now dance.

I walk over to the mirror, I see the light. I am the light. A glow now surrounds me.

As I stare deep into my own eyes, my face begins to morph into bravery, victory, certainty.

I am whole. And the seeds I’ve planted into this vessel have begun to grow.