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Rejection

An old tumblr post:

As I’ve probably mentioned before, rejection is the feeling buried deepest into my cells. Thus making it the most difficult to chisel away at.

In the past it has sent me into blind frenzies which usually resulted in seeking revenge. It never reached the point of physically harming anyone, though the thoughts were always there.

I dug into my arms, my legs, my chest with whatever I could find. Be it finger nails, broken glass, safety pins or my personal favorite, ripping apart a 3 in 1 blade and going to town.

When that didn’t work, I would just scream until my throat hurt, cringe, tense up, check out.

My practice has become to stay with the feeling no matter where my mind takes me, no matter the things I’d like to say to make myself “right.”

Today when I got triggered, I chose to walk. Usually that helps me stay in my body, but this time I was unable to stop the thoughts.

Racing racing racing by.

Why do I believe them?

I get angry that the feeling is lingering longer than usual. I’m frustrated. I cry. I courageously march up the stairs, when my body wants to fall to the floor.

Is the floor always this loud?

God, not going into avoidance is quite the challenge.

I feel like a warrior, the battle against myself is only half over and it could go either way.

Quick, do something Carrie.

Move your arms, stomp your feet, just feel.

Well that took care of the judgment part of it. Turn on that song. That one you really love.

Now dance.

I walk over to the mirror, I see the light. I am the light. A glow now surrounds me.

As I stare deep into my own eyes, my face begins to morph into bravery, victory, certainty.

I am whole. And the seeds I’ve planted into this vessel have begun to grow.

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