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[Day 25] Unfulfilled Dreams

Eckhart tolle quotes

It’s day 25 of the blog challenge. Here’s the message I received in my inbox from Amethyst Mahoney this morning:

Today’s topic is all about what kind of life you want to create for yourself. Many of us have unspoken dreams, desires that we haven’t quite defined yet. If you can’t point out what you want to the Universe, it has no way of providing it for you.

So take a few minutes and ask yourself:

1) If I did NOTHING different, what would my life be like in 10 years? Will I be happy with that?

2) What kinds of life would I really like to create? Who do I have to be and how do I need to show up in the World to vibrate at the level of my new Magical Life?

If I did nothing different, my life would be miserable. I crave change, I have big extravagant dreams yet to be fulfilled. I’ve been really mad at myself lately for not living the life I expected to be by now.

I’m really angry.

And rather than stuffing down the anger I’m giving it a voice. Because to suppress it would be to deny a part of myself. I seem to be stuck with this self-loathing, joy-sucking mindset that pervades my consciousness no matter how much eft I do, no matter how much I meditate, no matter how many risks I take or changes I make.

It’s still there. I can’t tell if I’m depressed or if I’m subconsciously choosing to feel this way to prove a point. I wish I knew.

I wish I felt worthy. All the time.

But truth is, I don’t. It’s something I have to work at every single day. And some days it’s exhausting and I just don’t want to do it anymore. Sometimes I feel like an absolute failure.

But then I write about it. Or I cry. Or I just breathe into it. And a part of me stops gripping so tightly to the past. Then she starts to hope again.

For a long time I avoided the feeling of rejection in any way I could. I relied on a steady diet of drugs and solitude to get me through my days. But ever since I quit drugs over 5 years ago and started my business over 2 years ago, I’ve been faced with rejection time and time again.

But I haven’t covered it up. This lifestyle (married life, motherhood and having my own business) has brought up more crap than I could have imagined. It has been more painful than I ever thought possible.

But I’m still here. Believing in the impossible.

Dreaming.

And making it happen.

When I think about it, that’s the freedom I’ve been seeking all along.

The freedom to say what I have to say.
To make mistakes.
To be me.

And only I can set myself free from the thoughts that bind me.

Unfulfilled dreams don’t mean I’ve failed as a human being. Maybe they were never my dreams. Or maybe it hasn’t been the right time.

Many of my dreams have come true. It’s my fault for not taking the time to acknowledge it. I’ve recently begun writing down my successes again so I’ve taken a step in the right direction.

The life I want to create is within reach. Tiny specks of change have already begun to sneak their way into my daily life. It’s up to me to choose to see them.

It’s up to me to appreciate the beauty in every moment, to find the essence of my desires in the most mundane moments, to know it might not look how I thought it would look. To stop fighting and surrender.

I know the universe won’t leave me hanging. It’s hard for me to remember that. I’m so accustomed to having to fight and struggle, I’m often not even aware I’m doing it.

I’m getting better.

Because I know the only way I can help anyone is to help myself.

So yes, there are many things in life I still want, but I know better than to focus on the lack of their presence. I know to focus on all the reasons why I deserve to have everything I want.

Then make them happen.

Or in my case, let them happen.

To be continued…

Now it’s your turn. If you did NOTHING different, what would your life be like in 10 years? Will you be happy with that? Leave me a comment below!

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