Albert Camus quotes
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I’ve always liked words.

Saying them, writing them, contemplating language itself. I wanted to be a linguist. Anthropological linguistics was one of my most interesting college courses.

I’ve been interested in so many things over the years which has made me very knowledgable and interesting to talk to but rather intolerable at times due to a sort of need to know everything.

I suppose what I’m getting at is that the uncertainty or rather lack of specificity of my “future” has the potential to create and recreate an uneasy feeling that I often perpetuate by deliberately thinking about it! Whew!

All these days of minimal adult interaction cause me to think and think and think and then of course if my thoughts are vibrating at a particular frequency of worry and doubt my body will say hey! this is familiar! yay! Well creating a new dialogue winds up making me feel bipolar and the repetition is enough to drive a Gemini insane!

Only to realize that this whole fiasco is only mind made and my higher self, god self, spaghetti self is sitting inside a dark room which is my body going “hm, wonder when this broad is going to wake up” and then lovingly and ever so gently tapping me on the shoulder because that’s the trigger that must be pulled in order to remember.


Puzzle Pieces

Souls watching

Never forgetting

That this is just a charade

Meticulously placed puzzle pieces

Our bodies

Our soul’s puppets

Infused into this body

But not this body

Ah, but it’s so easy to forget.

Love is the absence of judgment
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My most important job is to love myself no matter what, to accept that I make mistakes and to carry on. A happy mommy will automatically create a happy baby. Dwelling, worrying and obsessing do not change anything. I will remind myself of this as often as necessary. I am happy.

Take some deep breaths. Everything is alright. No need to play the same story, no need to make excuses, no need to justify. What’s done is done. I can’t change the past. If I need a moment, I’ll take a moment. I’ll have reactions, I’ll have thoughts. I’ll laugh at the irony of how uncharacteristic of me some of the thoughts I have are. I don’t have to panic. I don’t have to torture myself. I do have to accept myself. And also, not make assumptions about the future.

This is an opportunity for me to love myself and in doing so I am learning to love and forgive and even understand my parents, which is what I’ve been wanting for a long time. It seems as though, as children, we sacrifice and endure a lot for our parents’ learning. And yet, this is all part of some unspoken agreement.

I will thrive on purpose. Search for it until I find it and trust that my child knows that he is loved and nurtured and cared for. I want him to know that. And even though this (being a mother) is going nothing how I thought it would (idealistically), there is some inexplicable, honest and dare I say perfect element to all of it that I could have never conjured up. This piece cannot be accessed nor understood by the mind. It can only be discovered when not looking. It can only be stumbled upon in the most awkward and unpleasant moments.

Affirmation for self love
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Not Sorry for Being Me

I’m sitting in the car (the mom van), with the warmth of the sun infusing only the left side of my body. I’ve arrived at my destination, the Cure playing softly in the background, but I am sitting in the parking lot because I need to write a letter.

It is to you, reader of this, it is to peers past and it is to myself so that I can see that the past is history and today is a new day.

I want to say that I’m sorry. I want to say that I am sorry that it has taken me so long to reach this point, this perspective, this understanding of myself.

I want to say that I’m sorry I was so self destructive and I’m sorry that I took you down with me.

(I lower the music so that I can type more authentically, so that the sound of my own thoughts are dominating what I’m creating, so that I AM creating rather than being the destructive force).

I’m sorry that I hurt myself.

I’m sorry if that hurt you.

I’m sorry I didn’t try to understand where you were coming from. I’m sorry that you couldn’t understand where I was coming from.

I’m sorry I didn’t see my own value and I’m sorry I was unable to see the value of our relationship.

I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say. I’m sorry I never realized that I was enough. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for cheating. I’m sorry that better choices were seemingly unavailable to me during that time and that you suffered because of it.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t love you completely. I hope you know it’s because I couldn’t love myself. I’m sorry I manipulated. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you your opinion more often.

But, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say, I’m not sorry for being me. You’re brilliant. You’re beautiful. And yeah, so am I. So. Am. I.

We don't have to be afraid anymore

My Very First Post

So…hi. I am in the process of learning how to use wordpress and the blog is going to be a central part of my website. So I am testing this ish out. I am really looking forward to the adventure and sharing it all with everyone who comes over here to visit. Thank you.